Untitled
The stench of death was all around them as they examined the room. Rupert Goodspeed had been a detective for twenty-five years and had never seen anything quite like what he was looking at today.
The bodies of the five children were completely drained of blood and were mutilated beyond recognition. Whoever had done this had meant for the deaths to be painful. This person had wanted them to suffer while they received whatever enjoyment could possibly be obtained from such a dastardly crime. There was only one thing detective Goodspeed was sure of; whoever had done this was no man, but a demon.
After all, who would do that to innocent children, of whom the eldest was eight years old? They were defenseless to whatever had done this to them. They had had no hope of surviving what they were faced with, no one could.
The scene was too much for the average officer, as most were outside vomiting from the horrifying site that greeted them inside. But detective Goodspeed was no average officer. As he and his photographer captured the essence of the crime scene, the detective noticed that the spurts of blood on the wall were not random, but spelled out a word, Bathory.
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“You have done well.” said Rowan. “I will now remain young for another day.”
“I am glad I have done well for you my mistress.” exclaimed the man, bowing. “There will be more tomorrow my lady, though the police have found some of the sacrifices. We might have to be careful for a while.”
“It will not matter. They can not stop us. I will not, cannot become old, and lose my beauty. Bring in the young girl now slave!”
“Yes mistress.”
The man was having second thoughts about his mistress. Why would she want to torture and kill when she had him to do it for her? God he loved the thrill killing gave him, the feelings of pain and fear. It completed him, made him into what he really was. It gave him insight into what made life so special and to why he loved his mistress. Killing was his life, and a splendid life it was.
The man reached the dank basement which had been serving as the dungeons for his mistress. He looked upon the young girl chained to the wall crying for her mother and he was filled with the urge to kill. He wanted to terrorize her, and make her truly feel pain. He was determined to make his mistress proud, no matter what the cost. No matter who’s life was destroyed in the process, and no matter how much pain he caused.
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The girl looked up and saw the man approach her. In her mind she knew what was going to happen. She knew God had forsaken her for some reason. This reason she would find out when she was finally at the gates and free of this hell. Thinking back upon her life she finally realized how lucky she had been. While her family did not have much money they did have a loving home. They were always there for each other, and always made sure that everyone had what they needed, even if it wasn't what they necessarily wanted. That had not been good enough for her though. She was tired of being teased for her generic Wal-Mart clothes and the lack of modern conveniences such as Ipods, or computers. It was not her fault her family struggled to make it. Her family did the best they could. It was then that she realized she had had everything she had ever needed, but she had abandoned it in her greed for more. That was why this was happening. She had done this to herself. As she looked up at the man above her she knew she was soon leaving this hell. Saying a prayer and making the sign of the cross, she was ready for the punishment for her sins.
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Making her strip had been entertaining to the man. Though she was only about 13 she already had the look of a woman. The man noticed, as he was examining his prey, that she was still a virgin. Ah, another thing to take away from her.
He walked slowly up to her, and once he reached her his knife was ready. He gently sliced into her 15 times on the face, and chest, nothing that would kill, but things that would hurt for a long while. Pain was what kept him going in his task. He loved the screams and the look of utter fear on their faces. He next raped the girl, in the most violent way possible. It was not for pleasure like most, but for the sheer intent of causing torment. After he was done she was nothing but a useless mass of dead flesh. There was nothing for anyone anymore. No man or women could want her after his knife had finished raping her. His mistress would be happy. She would love him for this pain, and for once he would have a reason to love himself.
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As he threw the corpse in front of his mistress he could tell she wasn’t pleased. ”Why have you done this slave? I specifically demanded you to bring her to me!” screamed Rowan. “You are nothing but a worthless little boy! You can’t even resist the simplest urges. NOW KNEEL BEFORE ME!”
“Yes…..mistress” quivered the man.
Rowan beat on the man until he was nothing but a bloody corpse on the ground. Every inch of his body was bleeding and in previously unheard of pain. But the man enjoyed it. He knew he had done wrong and hat he should pay for it at the hands of his mistress, but he enjoyed the pain he was in. It was almost as good as killing to him.














Comments
ok. good to see you took some of my critiques. i've got more. of course i do.
i thought you said bathory only killed girls. if that's the case, specify that. if not, then why did i think that?
one thing that's bugging me in that first scene is the close-ness of "whoever" and "whatever". yeah, i'm anal. deal.
umm... who did the slaughtering? because slave-boy said the police found the scene. if they didn't want to be found, why put up the word "bathory"? doesn't that go against trying not to be found?
oh yeah. in the first scene, i still think you should capitalize Detective for detective Goodspeed.
also, capitalize slave. it's what he's being called. i don't think you need to uppercase mistress when slave-boy is speaking to her, but maybe you should. idk.
again, that paragraph with the girl's reflective thoughts is contradictory. i recommend re-writing the whole damn thing.
I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU USE THE WORD "KILL" MORE THAN TWICE OR THREE TIMES IN A PARAGRAPH, BLOOD WILL BE SHED. IT'S CALLED A THESAURUS, GODDAMMIT!!!
erm...oh. have you ever been chained up and tried to make the sign of the cross? no? try it, and tell me how it goes.
with the rape scene. she died rather quick, especially if one's assuming she died of blood-loss. i mean, 15 not-so-deep cuts *remember what i said with that number?* and what-not. granted, it is a lot, but it might have been too fast. draw it out some. i know you can. you morbid fuck.
you jumped from the girl's thoughts to the next scene too abruptly. one minute she's chained, the next she's naked. see what i'm saying?
there's more, but this is a lot. i'll fix it later. like i said: use the fucking thesaurus, or i'll hurt you.
and be happy: this has to be my longest critique ever.
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haikus are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense
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--
sakebu koto wo wasureta no naraba koko de sakebi koko ni ikiru |
nando shinde mo sakebi mukau sa koe wo kowashi koe wo koroseba ii |
sakebu koto wo wasureta no naraba koko de sakebi koko ni ikiru |
nando shinde mo sakebi mukau sa koe wo kowashi koko d
--
haikus are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense
refrigerator
Flickr
bodies of five, or the bodies of five. I don't know if it's an actual rule, but when you say "the" in front of a subject, it seems like they were previously introduced; it does in this case at least, and I don't know why. Plus, I think the word sounds bad repeated that close to itself. (Just my suggestion)
Same thing with "were"-omit it before mutilated?
defenseless to whatever had done this to them. That doesn't seem to flow well.
faced with, no one could. Should that be a semicolon? I don't know if a comma cuts it.
horrifying site that... *sight. Because the site is the entire area, and what they saw made them vomit, not particularly where they were? I think.
but spelled out a word, Bathory. Again, comma placement problems. I think a colon, a dash, something to show that that was what was written. Also might need to be in quotations.
“I am glad I have done well for you my mistress.” exclaimed the man, bowing. Comma after you, and A PERIOD IS NOT AN EXCLAIMATION! haha. (as a side note: When writing dialogue, if you note who the speaker is AFTER the statement and the sentence ends with a period, you use a comma instead.) Same goes for the next sentence, before my lady. Same sentence--may sounds better than might, just as far as their language goes.
Cannot is one word, yes?
the young girl now slave!”
“Yes mistress.” Comma after now, comma after yes.
The man reached the dank basement which... ...Thinking back upon her life she Yes, another comma. After which and one after she. And one in the next sentence after money.
Ditto what Olivia said about the scene jump.
It was not for pleasure like most, but for the sheer intent of causing torment.
Rape is rarely for pleasure. It's about power and dominance. I'd suggest cutting out at LEAST from it to but.
How did she die?
Ellipsis = 3 dots. No more, no less.
I don't typically mind, but you're writing something formal, so correct grammar should be used.
I know it's only the first part, but it was very anticlimactic.
The only thing that really kept you holding interest was the gore, if that's your thing. Once you get through it though, you stay a little bit intrigued.
I need to ask, also: Are there reasons that the victims are murdered? Do we have a Se7en theme going on or something? If not then the girl's thoughts on being materialistic were a little bit unnecessary.
You also have this habit of killing your characters, but then talking about them as though they aren't dead, and it's a little bit confusing to the reader.
I THINK that's it, maybe not. Keep working on it though. You're a good writer, and I think you can work things around to make them a little bit more interesting and easier to follow.
You're fucking sick, by the way. In case you didn't know that already.
and ellipsis' can be four dots. when they end sentences, yes?
and we both said he was sick.
we're awesome
--
haikus are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense
refrigerator
Flickr
Grammar Nazis are the sexiest things evar. And it's funny because there's an apostrophe after nazi xD *points up*
we rawk.
oh baybee. keep talking that grammar goodly. makes me happy. IN THE PANTS!!
hey, jeff.
--
haikus are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense
refrigerator
Flickr
--
haikus are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense
refrigerator
Flickr
--
sakebu koto wo wasureta no naraba koko de sakebi koko ni ikiru |
nando shinde mo sakebi mukau sa koe wo kowashi koe wo koroseba ii |
sakebu koto wo wasureta no naraba koko de sakebi koko ni ikiru |
nando shinde mo sakebi mukau sa koe wo kowashi koko d
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